Well, I have been humbled. Last Sunday I did a Pelaton ride and some pregnancy pilates. I had been feeling pretty good, but if I was totally honest, I was also slowing down. My belly kind of rubbed up against the bike seat as I rode. The pressure coming from the fully-cooked baby in my belly AND the saddle, meant I’d needed to press pause every 3-5 minutes to pee. My legs sort of splayed out in a triangle shape, which is very very bad form. The magnitude of my pregnant body atop a sleek stationary bike felt truly unnatural, but I’d gotten prideful and wanted to keep doing what I’d been doing just because I’d been doing it.
So, I rode in relative discomfort for 20 minutes, kind of pep talking myself but also noticing a very matter of fact internal voice that said “it might be time to let walking be enough.” And yet, I did not dismount, instead I kept riding like a gorilla wobbling atop a beach cruiser. And now I can’t walk.
I’m being light here, but to be honest I have cried every day since Sunday. This is not how I envisioned my last weeks of pregnancy: in this much pain, unable to pick up my two and four year old, struggling to get down the stairs. I have been in deep fear that the pain will persist until baby is out, and birth will be far more difficult because of it. I’ve played out whole scenarios where it doesn’t go away postpartum and I can’t care for my newborn adequately. I haven’t been able to keep up with my daily tasks, or spend the kind of active time I want with my daughters. I’m not physically capable of getting them in and out of their carseats or really even walking more than a couple of steps. I can’t put on my pants without sitting down, and I can’t pick up the clothes that my husband drops right next to the laundry basket, so I just have to accept the dirty t-shirts pooling at its edges (or nag him), which has made me brutally aware of how incredibly un-chill I am. I realize many people live with chronic pain and or physical limitations, and I’m sorry if this all sounds horribly ableist, which I know it does.
I also know that there are a lot of lessons to be learned in forced rest. And that I wouldn’t trade this pain, because it means the baby is almost here and that I made it this far after several losses. I know that if I tune into what my body actually needs and stop trying to be who I was a week ago or who I envisioned I’d be today (glowingly pregnant, unbothered by late pregnancy nausea and broken hips) then this will all go much smoother. I know this is an opportunity to ask for and accept help, to let things be done by someone else…not quite how I’d do them, to leave the laundry undone and the dishes in the sink, and to not let the voice in my head override my body’s insistence that I sit down and chill ouuuuut.
This week I have run the gamut of emotions and now that I am limping a little bit easier, I am just so grateful for a hubs that took such impeccable care of me, that talked me through some really irrational fears, that told me to stop picking toys up off the floor, that said “you are getting better every day” when I could only imagine the worst case scenario. I am grateful that it isn’t worse than it is and for all the things I can still do.
And also also also, this has been really freaking hard.
38 weeks pregnant is uncomfortable. I feel touched out by my own body parts. The sensation of my boobs atop my belly gives me the ick.
Here are some things I’ve said to myself to help when I’m in 9/10 pain and can’t get relief.
Control what you can control (rest, hydration, nourishment, thoughts)
Let it be how it is (basically, accept what you can’t change.)
Trust your body’s ability to heal
Lean in to what you are still capable of (aka, writing from the nursery recliner chair while your kids nap)
This is temporary.
I have had the hardest time with not being able to show up for my family the way I am used to. I have processed some major mom guilt, which I’d really like to finally expel from my body! tips?! Eek, as if it was that easy to uproot internalized misogyny, deeply rooted double standards, the motherhood-as-martyrdom paradigm.
I have started to feel what it will be like when I am postpartum, taking care of a newborn, and leaning on my husband and other childcare to support more with the girls. I’ve felt jealous and relieved that he’s getting more time with them than I am right now. I’ve felt helpless (and also very deserving) to ask for another glass of water because I can’t get down the stairs. The whole spectrum.
Two more weeks. I’m leaning into rest…or trying. It’ll all be okay.
With love,
Stephanie
Ahhh the boobs on the belly. I can remember peeling my stuck boobs off my belly when I was pregnant with my son anytime I would go without a bra. 😅 I’m hoping you continue to feel better and better and the rest of pregnancy goes smoothly!
Ohhhhh I’m so sorry you have had so much pain. I did a similar thing in late pregnancy with Nalu with a yoga class. And I distinctly remember the fears of what if I go into labour soon, and I’m already in THIS level of pain? Sounds like you are doing amazingly. I have no tips for mum guilt, other than find a mantra that eases the guilt and repeat it whenever the feeling arises. And see a physio after the birth if you still can’t put your pants on without sitting down! Biggest healing vibes and prayers being sent your way x