Hey!
I’m writing to you from my bed. This is not a place I usually work or write, but today it is!? I am 37 weeks pregnant and the veil between what is and what will be feels thin. My bedroom windows are open and I can hear the birds. I can hear a very teensy dog yapping next-door. I can hear cars whooshing down the road blocks away.
I dropped the girls off around 10am this morning. We took it slow, as we’ve had the luxury to do lately. I am grateful for the spaciousness in our days since I stopped teaching college classes in December. I enjoyed teaching…(I think?), but it pulled me away from motherhood more than I’d wanted. I am feeling content as a mom right now. Actually, for the first time maybe ever I’m not interrogating or doubting or belittling that contentment. I’m letting it be good because it actually feels really good. I’ve been able to quiet the constant questioning, the wondering if motherhood is enough. I’ve been able to turn down the volume on the voice that says it’s probably not interesting or cool or impactful on some kind of larger scale, that my old friends would find me lame if they saw me now. And I still feel bouts of that, but I also really like it! Raising kids is fascinating and fulfilling and fun (and also impossibly hard sometimes, duh!). And I am so incredibly lucky that “just a mom” is an option if I want it to be right now. And I do, which is probably a good thing because I’m about to have another baby! What I’ve learned is when I’m pouring into motherhood, not judging my own absorption in it, but letting myself fully engage in its daily demands, I don’t feel all tangled up in knots wondering… is this right, is this okay, is this what I should be doing? I’m just happy.
I know this will likely all be disrupted soon as we calibrate to a new baby, but I’ve been so surprised by the way my capacity grows with the challenges of each new season in parenthood. It’s been confidence building to see how capable we are as a family to adapt. It gets messy and it gets hard and then we come out the other side better, closer, more insync with ourselves and one another. And I think learning to ride the waves has allowed me to enjoy parenthood in a new way. It’s a feeling of flow and engagement rather than overstimulation and exhaustion. I’ve learned that this alll falls out of balance when I’m spending too much time solo parenting, when I don’t have any help, when I’m too busy tending to my kids to make myself lunch. OR, visa versa when I’m over delegating the parenting, checked out on my phone, not doing any non-mom things like writing or working, or moving my body, or getting coffee with a friend. Leaning too far in the direction of rest or too far in the direction of empty busyness…I start to feel out of my purpose. It’s the ebb and flow. The ying and yang….ya know?
As far as pregnancy goes, I am feeling sick again. I got hit with some major nausea this morning which took me by surprise. I am in my final weeks and I am trying with all my mental fortitude not to anticipate an early or even on time labor. My last baby was four days late and the TORTURE in waiting…wow. But I am feeling the fatigue and the pelvic pain, and the nausea that has been characteristic of the final weeks of my past pregnancies. As much as it sucks, it’s also anticipatory and EXCITED!
One of the key learnings of this pregnancy has been distinguishing between psychological and physical discomfort. There are very real discomforts in pregnancy and all those discomforts are made worse by the stories surrounding them. My thighs rub together. This is sometimes a little physically uncomfortable. But when it’s paired with self-loathing, panic about my body growing, internal berating that I need to move or eat or exist differently, despite knowing I am doing my very best, it becomes SO MUCH WORSE. Sticky thighs are one thing, sticky thighs and relentless shame is another. In my past pregnancies the belief that it needed to be different, I needed to not be gaining so much weight, or not feel so sick, or not feel such a seismic identity shift, that it all needed to be different than it was, more like I’d envisioned and less like it seemed to be actually panning out, made the reality that much harder to contend with. Recognizing what is a psychological discomfort and working to release it has made the physical ones much more tolerable. It’s made this pregnancy kind of…good! Turns out feeling huge is a feeling that lives mostly in my head. Factually, I am much bigger, yes, but somatically, in my actual body, I feel good.
There is this incredible tuning in that comes with pregnancy, the way your body speaks to you SO LOUDLY about what it needs: rest, hydration, food. The way eating well or moving well or sleeping well is not reflected aesthetically. You can do it all with intention and still appear swollen and worn down. And so the healthy practices are only rewarded in feeling. That’s been a gift, to be driven only by the way a habit makes me feel. It’s tapped me in in a way I’ve needed for a long long time. I guess it’s as simple as acting from what feels good over what looks good, which is maybe the the lesson of leaning into motherhood too. It feels good. It may not look as good as the job titles I used to have, but it feels better.
How are you all? I deleted Substack off my phone because turns out clicking around on there was keeping me from writing! Too many very famous, very prolific, very successful writers who I don’t know and whose writing I don’t even really resonate with popping up on the feed. THE FEED. THE FEED IS THE PROBLEM. The feed is what makes it just another social media platform, huh? I decided to check out from that and just write. Turns out I like the casual stuff, what feels like an email from a friend, so that’s what I’ll keep doing here.
Love you!
Stephanie
I LOVE your thoughts on mothering. It is rare to read about motherhood being enough. I’ve struggled with it recently, thinking that I needed to do more/something else, lamenting about how hard it is, etc. but when I stop and actually feel, I love this. I love this time with my son, I love serving my family. Thank you for sharing! Wishing you a restful end to your pregnancy and a smooth and healthy birth! ♥️
What a beautiful reflection, Stephanie! Congratulations on the soon-to-be new addition to your family. And you are 100% right: THE FEED IS THE PROBLEM. I admire your willpower to disengage! 🙌